When someone you love loses a baby, you might also feel helpless and uncertain about what to say and how to approach them. Sometimes, you will not have the right words to say – no matter how good your intentions are. If you have never experienced the same loss for yourself, there is no way for you to know what that person needs at such a terrible time. Here are some of the things you should NEVER do or say to someone who just lost a baby.
“At least you miscarried early in your pregnancy.”
It does not matter how early or late you had a miscarriage – the point is the baby’s life is no longer, and that alone is heartbreaking if not totally depressing.
“Things happen for a reason.”
This is something some people say when they don’t have anything else to say, but this does not, in any way, help the affected person – in this case, a woman who had a miscarriage. That elusive ‘reason’ is what we all try to discover, and we do not need to be reminded of the ambiguity of it all.
“You’ll forget about it over time.”
Who would want to forget her own child? Women and their partners never forget a miscarriage. Time does help in healing wounds, but it doesn’t make us forget them. Miscarriages, once we experience it, will always be a part of our lives.
“Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll get pregnant again in no time.”
What if the woman doesn’t get pregnant again? False assurances do not help a person in coping with a crucial situation. Besides, not every woman can get pregnant easily. You may not know that the person you will be telling this to has just 1% chance of getting pregnant again.
“Maybe you ate or drank something you shouldn’t have.”
This statement does not help either. To the person who just had a miscarriage, she doesn’t need ‘solutions’ now, or other people implying that she failed in having healthy habits and that led to her miscarriage. There’s no point in pinpointing what a woman did or did not do – it will not comfort her in any way.
“I’ve been there.”
This is a phrase that you should not tell anyone who is going through a difficult situation – even if you HAVE been there. You might have had a miscarriage, too, but your life is different from others’. You can never know how that situation can affect her.
Even if you mean well, your statements might only bring more bad than good. You have to be sensitive enough to know when what you are saying is being appreciated by the person, or being taken as something offensive. Sometimes, just listening to them is enough comfort for them.
